Archive for January, 2009
Today I recommit to the process of creating a more intimate relationship with my self. I surrender my will. I place my trust in All That Is.
In the fall of 2007 I entered into an arrangement with a mentor of mine to work for one hour, twice a month, on the phone with her to explore, feel, and heal whatever I needed to in regard to my issues around money. Rosa was the first healer I went to after my “Cracking Open” experience in June of 1993 (please read about that in my In the Beginning.. post from last Nov.) and I felt like she knew me and all of my stories well enough to guide me, with ruthless compassion, to the truth. Of course money was not the real issue, but it was (thankfully!) the catalyst for the next phase of my self-exploration and expansion. The root of my confusion, crappy feelings, and sense of lack was the ongoing thought that I was not enough. That belief, born out of some brilliant inner protection mechanism, allowed me to stay small and quiet for many years, but was frustrating the hell out of me. Fifteen years on a spiritual path and there I was, stymied by one tiny thought that I gave absolute power to for nearly 40 years (OK, 43). It was that same path that brought me to the acute awareness that my decades-long journey with my Not Enough ally, and the suffering that went along with it, was about to end.
My commitment to work with Rosa coincided with the reigniting of a romance, which quickly turned into a great love affair. As you may know, relationships (no matter how long they last) are a delighful way to get to know your shadow as well as your light and once again I found myself confronted with my ‘stuff’. Money, commitment, anger, value, arrogance, joy, sex, appreciation, trust… Whoa! There it was, all laid out before me. So what was I going to do with it? At times I hid from it. At times I embraced it. But mostly I let it unfold, asked to see the big picture, and gave myself permission to feel whatever I needed to, to experience whatever I needed to, in order to grow. And grow I have. One years’ worth of relationship, coupled with my commitment to Rosa (and yes, those 15 other years of work count, too!) has catapulted me into a place, an inner realm, that I used to once only dream about. In this time of ‘economic crisis’ I feel perfectly happy and content with where I am financially. I know my worth. I know that things will grow as I focus my positive, abundant thoughts on them. I know that I create value in other people’s lives. I know that I am blessed to do what I do, to have what I have, to be where I am. There is certainly more work to do and there always will be. My relationship changed form as I came to truly value myself. The lesson was learned. The love lives on. I am so grateful to Rosa and my now ex-lover for being there to guide me to the next phase of my Fishing for Soul journey. I am grateful that I trusted myself, my process, and the Universe. I am excited to see what lies ahead. I trust it will be fantastic.
‘As you connect with the brilliance that resides in you – and yes, it lives in each and every one of you – you enable your self to think, feel, and act as if everything will unfold with great ease. You automatically release any attachment to outcome because you understand that Life is indeed helping you to grow, helping you shine, helping you to achieve what you set out to do. When you TRUST THE PROCESS you all ways win.’
– At One
I moved to my cozy Harlem (NYC) apartment four years ago when I left a long-term relationship. Since I’ve lived here I have had many painful sinus infections. October through April brought one bout after another. I even wound up at my doctors office two years ago in search of antibiotics to alleviate my suffering. My doctor assured me that he’d seen many of those infections recently and that it would be cleared up in a day or two. He did not, to my surprise, offer me any antibiotics (he usually tried to push them on me and I’d just push them away). Indeed, the infection cleared up as he suggested it would, only to be followed a few weeks later with a less severe one. Maybe I need to have surgery like mom did, I thought to myself. Now that would be a highly unusual route for me to take, but the discomfort was too much and too frequent.
In early November of 2008 I had yet another infection. The pain in the left side of my face was excruciating. It felt like someone was driving a nail in there. I downed some aspirin, as I was prone to do during those times, and prayed for relief. That was a Tuesday. I spent the day asking myself a few questions. “What is really going on here?” “Is there mold in your apartment that is casuing these recurring infections?” “Could there be an emotional component to this that you have not addressed?” Before going to sleep that night I asked for a healing and to receive insight into the situation. On Wednesday morning I woke up feeling a dull facial pain and was more determined than ever to find out what exactly was causing that physical challenge. I sat as I normally do in meditation. I set my intention. “Please guide me to the root of my sinus problems. I want to know what is causing this and am willing to look very deeply and feel whatever I need to feel.” I took a breath in through my stuffy nose and exhaled through my mouth. I repeated that several times until I felt myself slip into a familiar, quiet place in my mind and body. My guides instructed me to breathe a little deeper. “Now make some sound,” they said. I began a long, deep hum with my mouth closed. I directed that sound vibration down my body, below my navel, into my 2nd chakra. I could feel the energy there start to shift and I became slightly uncomfortable. I wiggled my hips from side to side. I continued to breathe in through my nose and hum as I exhaled. The sound penetrated my chest cavity and my body got warmer. I was still feeling what then seemed to be emotional discomfort as my humming grew into longer, louder, and more intense stretches. The sound filled my face and skull. All of the bones there were trembling and I felt a familiar sadness. The next instruction was: “Take your hands to your face and tap on it with your fingers.” As I did that I started to sob. Scenes from my life with my ex partner flashed through my mind. Then came the message, “You have held your sorrow in your face.” I grabbed a handful of tissues and blew my nose for several minutes until nothing was left. As stillness returned I saw many images from past and current relationships and listened as my wisdom told me that my fear of expressing myself emotionally to the fullest capacity and acknowledging my worth had left me clogged like dirty plumbing. “And now you are ready to move on.”
When my meditation ended I was certain that my three and half year cycle of sinus infections was over. I no longer had any pain in my face, my runny nose was dry and clear, and I felt a great sense of relief, gratitude and joy.
It is now January 26, 2009 and I have been free and clear for almost three months of anything that remotely resembles my past history of suffering. Thank God!
Barrack Obama, President of the United States. Ahh… The day is here. The time has come. Let’s all take a deep breath and celebrate the ushering in of newness – new energy, new light, new possibilities. My dream for this new administration is that they all assume the collective responsibility, the higher calling, of their offices and that we, as a nation, do not pin all of our hopes on one man.
During a channeling session on Sunday afternoon, the group was asked to imagine what it would be like if, before a Cabinet meeting, or before a vote in the Senate, our leaders took a moment to pause and take a breath (or two, three, four, five) together as a way of grounding themselves and clearing away any mental clutter, thereby bringing clarity and cohesion to the group consciousness and to the tasks ahead of them. I’ll keep envisioning that process as I breathe the Obama dream of hope and prosperity.